I Got These From Amazon! Cancer Chronicles: Part 2

In honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, let’s just pick up where we left off. Last we talked; I had just finished up with 16 rounds of chemotherapy. That was a tough battle but definitely triumphant! God is so good! Our next steps would be surgery. This was a huge ordeal because I was more afraid of surgery than chemotherapy. Then we had to decide what we should do about these breasts. We opted for a Double Mastectomy where both breasts are completely removed. Pause. Wait!!! What???!!! I have had this ample bosom all my life, what am I going to do without them? My clothes will feel different, will my husband still be attracted to me? Would I miss them??? The answer is yes to all the questions, life goes on and I would learn to find my new normal. Yall know I had to go through my five-minute Pity Party and then I dusted myself off and kept moving. On a new mission, I grabbed my phone and like any normal woman would do, I went straight to Amazon!

Step 2 - Surgery, Healing from a Double Mastectomy, Great News and Setbacks

During our Pre-Surgery consultations, one of my doctors got me excited about reconstruction. So, what happens is, once my surgeon has removed the breasts and tissue, a plastic surgeon will go in and insert spacers to prepare for reconstructive surgery that would happen at a later date. It sounded so easy, and I felt like WOW, I’m finally going to get that breast reduction I always wanted. Shawn blurted out “Yayyyyy, you’re gonna get new titties! Perky ones!” We chuckled quite a bit about that, and it felt like a silver lining in what was initially a nightmare.

Now it’s time for surgery. When I tell you I have never been so scared. But we prayed and let God do the rest. My surgery took well over seven hours, and I struggled in recovery with keeping anything down which delayed things even further. It felt like the longest day ever. I just wanted to see my family. To see my husband’s face and hold his hand. Finally, after hours of waiting, I got to see them and go home. Yes! I made it through. Praise God!

I had two c-sections so I’m no stranger to pain. This took me right back to that pain. My goodness, not only are you all stitched up, bound, and soar, when you finally take the bandages off, you have these new areas under your arms that are stitched together. George and I call them “cutlets.” I kinda hate them. They are not sexy. I thought to myself, there must be a better way to sew these things up. Yuck. Along with the cutlets, you get the temporary, even more un-sexy, drain tubes that we had to drain two times a day. My poor husband was so good. He worked so hard comforting me as I looked at my deformed body, he cooked, cleaned, chauffeured me around to all my appointments, rubbed my feet, made tea, you name it. We had a pretty strong bond before all this but now, we’re super solid. I love that man. #getyouaGeorgebutnotmine.

After the healing journey began, we finally got the call that we are CANCER-FREE! To GOD be the Glory! I didn’t know how to receive the news and was in a state of shock for about two seconds, then George and I began praising GOD! Repeatedly! And guess what?? My hair was finally growing back!

We got better with each day that passed. Focusing on tiny milestones and chugging along. I had been seeing my Plastic Surgeon for a few weeks and began the process of filling my spacers to ultimately prepare for implants. Then all of a sudden, I got a pain in my chest that literally took my breath away.

In an effort to be far less dramatic than the situation actually was, I’ll just say it was cellulitis (an infection) that eventually led to other complications with the spacers, and I ultimately requested the spacers be removed all together. It’s not worth it! Not for my life. And off we go to an emergency surgery. It was successful Praise God. So, guess what I did……….I went right back to Amazon. Found a few sets of boobs and I wear them proudly today!

So many other changes were happening with my body, hot flashes, nails falling off, my unbalanced figure and negative self-image, fainting and panic attacks, neuropathy, eczema (I’ve never had it before), textured skin, achy joints, you name it. We felt it all and I’m still experiencing some.

Step 3 – Radiation Treatment

After the adventures with surgery, we kept moving along to our five-week Radiation Therapy schedule. I didn’t know what to expect here just like every other stage but here we go! If you are not familiar with Radiation, I had to go everyday, Monday -Friday, for five weeks. EVERYDAY! But I will say, just like with chemotherapy, I met some of the nicest medical professionals to walk the planet. These people really take care of you and my hat goes off to the professionals that make these less than comfortable experiences bearable. The team and I became fast friends with our two-minute giggle session before each treatment. I was actually sad when it was over.

To break it down, the total session is about 15 minutes, that’s undressing, lying on a table with my arms raised and listening to blues while the red light zaps away. My skin gradually began to change close to the end of the five weeks but OMG. Once the last session was over, that’s when I began to feel the pain of splitting skin and burns for a few weeks while my skin began to heal. You can see in the picture below that a portion of my neck was burned too.

Regardless of it all, I’m in excellent spirits and we’re taking each day as it comes. I’m choosing to really enjoy what I enjoy and tuning out the other noise. So, I say all that to say this, God is Real, Find Gratitude in Each Day, Love like there is no tomorrow, and my Christmas Tree is going up this weekend.

Love you all and Until next time,

 -Kimberly

What Am I Going To Do About My Eyebrows?

 I know it’s been a while since my last blog post, but a lot has happened. I have a Senior in High School, a Sailor, and I’m healing from cancer.

Life has really been lifing to say the least. As I’m writing this, we have just celebrated my final round of chemo and I’m on a bit of a high! I know this is such a private and serious topic and I have contemplated sharing much of anything but if it can help or encourage anyone going through it and/or caring for those going through it then my work is done.

I’m a naturally busty woman and the twins have been a part of my life all my life. Those with breasts will understand all the episodes and scares of having cysts and other lumps that show up throughout life so like most, I was accustomed to getting them checked early and scared out of my mind at the process involved in determining whether its cancer or not. Time and time again, the outcome had always been benign which means no cancer. So even though the process is horrifying, I always hung on to the outcome being benign. Until October 2023. I went in for my routine mammogram in September and got a call/letter stating more imaging was needed. I was used to this by now but for some reason I felt a little different inside. I was fighting back tears the moment I went to the appointment. If you know me, you will know that I’m no stranger to tears. I am the softest person you will ever meet but I can be tough when I need to be. I got there and they performed a mammogram and ultrasound on the areas in question. I was sitting there searching the face of every technician, nurse and doctor looking for some sign of bad news. They gave me nothing. Not until the doctor came in to read the photos the ultrasound technician took. At that time, the doctor said let’s look at them again which is pretty standard, what changed everything was when she said, “ go up to the lymph node.”  For some reason, I knew it wasn’t good. After that, they cheerfully scheduled me for a biopsy the next day, (another indicator to me that it was urgent) and off to the races we went. The biopsy happened on a Friday and Tuesday, October 31st at lunchtime, I got the call that I had indeed had cancer.

Breaking the News to the People I love

When I tell you I wanted to fall on the floor, faint, scream oooh lawwwwddd (in my Bernie Mack voice). But instead of that, I wept quietly with my friend Lynn, told my boss what happened and left work. I called Hubby and could barely get the words out.  Let’s take a quick pause. Never in a million years did I think the hardest thing about this whole experience was telling the people I love and watching them try not to fall apart. Watching and hearing the helplessness in their voices. THAT was the hardest thing so far about this entire ordeal. We kept pretty quiet about it for a while because we had to break the news to our babies. Yes, they’re 21 and 17 but they are still our babies.

Before we shared the news with the boys, we needed to get all the information we could so the week of my son’s Naval Graduation, we met with the doctor and gathered all the pieces of this nightmare to string together with our threads of hope. As I sat waiting with my Hubby, my sister Donnica, and my best friend Shawn, the doctor told us to “Go to Chicago, enjoy your family and the graduation, its not aggressive, and when you get back, we will get to work.” I put my face in my hands and sobbed. I cried in disbelief. I cried about the unknown. I cried about my life. Then for some reason I felt a sense of peace and a message that came so loud to me that I had to write it down. The message was “sometimes God has to use you to show others what he can do.”   I later found a bible verse, Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus, this sums it up perfectly.

We took the scenic route to Chicago and witnessed one of the most breathtaking presentations celebrating hundreds of young people. One being my own. I smiled the entire time, and loved on my babies as much as I could before we would have to break their hearts. When we got back home from Chicago, I was met with a whirlwind of appointments, and it was getting hard to conceal what was about to happen, so we finally broke the news to our babies. Amazing enough, once I got past that mountain, I was ready to fight. They saw that and they were hopeful too. I made a joke when talking to my oldest (he was skeptical about whether we were telling him the whole truth) and said I’m going to be fine but I’m mostly concerned about what I’m going to do with my eyebrows!

The Fight Thus Far

Ok, I was diagnosed as Stage 2 and required 16 rounds of Chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and hormonal therapy. We have only just completed the 16 rounds of chemotherapy so let’s talk about that. The first four rounds were scheduled every two weeks because of how harsh the meds were. This was extremely tough, and I am a tough girl, but this experience put me on my a**. The immediate side effects were fatigue, extreme nausea, constipation, and other funny looking stuff that come out of your hind parts. Two days after each session (which fell on Saturdays) I was in bed from sun up to sun down. I only had energy to bathe and then returned to bed. The nausea (even with nausea combating meds) carried over several days and just when I began to feel like myself in that two-week period, it was time to do it all over again. I really enjoy homemaking, I cook, clean, bake, talk, make stuff and I couldn’t do any of that, so my sense of worth was dwindling. My boys were utterly amazing though. Hubby and Mother-in-Law cooked and checked on me around the clock. My family called and visited often and my AWESOME Work Family sponsored food for us for two months! My friends and family sent food,  gift boxes, letters, cards, drawings, books, journals, blankets, and anything they thought would make my life easier. My people are amazing. I was so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from all different directions. I cried a lot because not only was I now off birth control pills, I was also experiencing menopausal symptoms. Sheesh. My poor husband just wiped away the tears and told me I was beautiful. Often. Our holidays were celebrated in sickness and in health and we fought hard to keep our regular holiday traditions while battling this monster.

Then the hair loss happened. Another side effect I experienced was scalp sensitivity and hair loss. My scalp hurt so bad, and I would complain to George about it. Then the hair just came out in clumps. Every time I would pull at it, clumps would fall out. I grieved this part because I couldn’t find a wig that made me feel pretty. I wasn’t prepared. I felt exposed. There’s no hair to hide behind. So, I told George to just cut it off! THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST LIBERATING THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. I felt so relieved afterwards. Baldilocks was born!! We took to social media to post my first bald photo and there it was. Our secret was out. And there were hundreds celebrating my little peanut head with me. Support from soooo many people, high school friends, social media friends, friends of others and it was so overwhelming. So warming. I have a village that is very serious about me. I love you all. I posted as often as I could and still tried to carry out my life with as much normalcy as possible, all while pausing to go through the pains of chemotherapy.

We made it through the rough chemo cocktail finally and we were now moving into a milder form without nausea for me. Woooohooooo! I felt like a new woman! If you have ever had a hangover, and you finally feel better you want to do any and everything you can because you’re so happy just to feel better! This chemo lasted 12 weeks. The downside to this one, in my experience, are two side effects, 1. Dark Nails and 2. Neuropathy. Now I’m a girly girl so when my hands start looking like the Crypt Keeper, I was so sad. My hands turned extremely dark, and my nails began turning black. On top of that, neuropathy causes pain and numbness in the fingers and toes. I sometimes felt like a baby calf trying to walk in heels because of the awkward feeling. George often teased me with a nickname “Tender Tips” cause my fingers and toes hurt so bad. My hands are beginning to turn back but the nails are still questionable. We have reached the end of the first milestone and that is making it through 16 rounds of chemotherapy. We are off now to surgery discussion. So, stay tuned for part two!

The Message

I was skeptical about sharing but I really wanted to show up as human as possible and give a glimpse into my experience hoping it can help you or help you help someone else. 1. We are all fighting loud and sometimes silent battles so please be kind and have reasonable expectations of people, you never know how thin a thread they are hanging onto just to show up for themselves, let alone others. 2. Get your body checked, this is serious. Stop neglecting your health. Annual preventative appointments can save your life! 3. Get right with God. We don’t know how long we have on this earth.  4. Love unapologetically. Live unapologetically. Show your people how much you love them now instead of regretting it later.

Thank you for listening, until next time.

-K

Help Getting Out of a Funk

Hey there! I’ve spent a few days mulling over what my next post should be and trying to find a way to be upbeat and romanticize the humble life I have, all while managing my newfound situationship with PMS. Don’t cringe, this post is not about the actual flow experience, this is about the MOOD shift and body response as that time approaches. Back in my teens, I was the girl whose life was not fazed by the onset of my monthly visitor, I could carry on and enjoy my life like it was just another thing to check off the list. Now that I have matured, my body goes through a whole cycle of what feels like a form of depression or what I choose to call, The Funk. Not just PMS, this could also apply to many things that cause your mood and life to shift. During this time, I’m lazy, always hungry, feel ugly, bloated, extremely weepy, and like I’ve lost my mojo. EVERY SINGLE TIME. So in true Gracious Hostess fashion, I put together some things that help me navigate any touchy chapter I may be going through.

Don’t Fake it Til You Make It

Just submit already. Stop trying to be hard and act like nothing’s happening or bothering you. Acknowledge that you don’t feel like yourself and affirm that you are already healed. Allow yourself to deal with it accordingly. This will be a tremendous help in avoiding any blow-ups caused because you pushed the feelings aside in the hopes of dealing with them at another time. The funny thing is I always struggle with recognizing what’s happening. I’m always in denial and then the light bulb comes on and I remind myself that I’m having one of those episodes. I quickly do a mental check in of what I’m feeling to see if there are similarities from a previous episode. The answer is always yes.

Lower Your Expectations

As a natural optimist, I always think I will skip through this phase pretty quickly because I’m very self -aware. Right??! Wrong!!! Going through is not the quick way out. Going through sometimes takes a minute. We rush the process because we usually have so many other things that need our attention. I know for a fact I have said a time or two “I don’t have time for this”. Well trust me. Make time. Or you’ll be forced to make time when its the most inconvenient. Don’t be disappointed because its lasting longer than you expected. Allow the process to process. Rushing wellness is just like a fad diet, the issue always returns and, in most cases, much worse.

Warn People

The last thing you want to do is make people feel rejected or take things out on others simply because you’re in a funk. Be clear that you are not in the best mood or that you’re in a funk. Those that love you will automatically try to cheer you up but what’s most important, you will avoid hurting the innocent bystanders that have nothing to do with why you feel the way you feel. If you don’t make them aware, people tend to draw their own conclusions, and if they’re like me, I am a little too good at drawing the WRONG conclusions.

Pull Out Your Feel-Good Arsenal

We all have those foods, friends, hobbies and movies we have on repeat when we need a pep talk or to feel good. You know the ones. Pull them out and utilize these tools like your life depends on it. Sometimes they’re just what you need to jolt you out of a funk. So go cook that comfort meal, call your friend, or look at Sex and the City for the 2 millionth time. Who cares? Especially if it makes you feel better.

Dress the Part

I know this seems minor but listen, nothing will send me in a downward spiral quicker than wearing something that is uncomfortable. My brain will instantly resort to criticism that leads to me feeling even worse. Grab those outfits that are free flowing and flatter you on your not so perfect days. I promise this will help avoid any unnecessary self loathing.

Do Some Self-Care

Self-Care never hurts. Take some time to do your hair, nails, or maybe both. Take a relaxing bath or have a massage. All of the above help in getting you back to you. Just this past weekend I stayed in the house the entire weekend. I only stepped out to get the mail and I felt soooo incredibly frumpy. I didn’t realize it until I got up Monday to get ready for work and the simple act of putting on my make-up drastically improved my mood. Don’t ever underestimate the good a fresh beat, long bath, hot shower, or freshly painted toes can do. They’re an instant pick me up.

I hope you find some of my tips useful and I do understand that sometimes a funk is much more than just a funk. I pray that in those times you have the courage to seek the care you really need and know that you’re worth the investment.

Until next time,

-K

A Pair and a Spare

Not too far below this middle-aged, round, Mom-Bod surface is a smoking hot core of divine womanly deliciousness and I’m willing to bet that your core is made of the same. The gift of aging comes with its share of wins and how should I put it, modifications.  I’m here for it all though!  So today just in time for the big day of love, I’m tapping into that core to discuss my love for all things shoes.  Especially those that sparkle. 

Now I have to disclose that Hubby buys 95% of my shoes and 100% of the fun sparkly shoes so please give him all the credit.  Every time a box enters the house I play coy and say “ George, you shouldn’t have, stop wasting money on shoes for me”. But what I’m really thinking is OMG I love them!  Don’t Stop! I will also add that most of these shoes are NOT made for walking. I repeat, NOT made for walking.  They are made for drop me at the door so I only walk to our table and will be seated for the rest of the night.  Crazy right?  You’re probably thinking why not get more practical shoes?  Well beauty isn’t practical and sometimes I want to feel down right stunningly breathtaking with my shoes I will not be walking in. You feel me?

For me as a plus size woman, shoes have always been that extra something that worked when the stores didn’t always have the right size or fit in clothes. For some reason the shoes always worked. I love how they transform your posture. Your walk turns into a strut.  You’re no longer walking like a cowboy, as my grandmother would say, you’re taking dainty steps.  I love the femininity that comes with a high heel too, especially the look of my arch. If your feet could purr, high heels would certainly do the trick.

 So to get your juices flowing and inspire the sexy in you, I am sharing with you a handful of my favorite glass slippers.  I wish I could rank according to favorite but there is no such thing.  My shoes receive equal opportunity favor in this house.  I am not necessarily a label person, I like what I like, so what you see is just my personal preference for whatever mood I may be in that day.

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 Now that you’ve met the family, I hope you were entertained and inspired to bring your sexy this month even if it’s in the smallest way.

Until next time,

-K