I Got These From Amazon! Cancer Chronicles: Part 2

In honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, let’s just pick up where we left off. Last we talked; I had just finished up with 16 rounds of chemotherapy. That was a tough battle but definitely triumphant! God is so good! Our next steps would be surgery. This was a huge ordeal because I was more afraid of surgery than chemotherapy. Then we had to decide what we should do about these breasts. We opted for a Double Mastectomy where both breasts are completely removed. Pause. Wait!!! What???!!! I have had this ample bosom all my life, what am I going to do without them? My clothes will feel different, will my husband still be attracted to me? Would I miss them??? The answer is yes to all the questions, life goes on and I would learn to find my new normal. Yall know I had to go through my five-minute Pity Party and then I dusted myself off and kept moving. On a new mission, I grabbed my phone and like any normal woman would do, I went straight to Amazon!

Step 2 - Surgery, Healing from a Double Mastectomy, Great News and Setbacks

During our Pre-Surgery consultations, one of my doctors got me excited about reconstruction. So, what happens is, once my surgeon has removed the breasts and tissue, a plastic surgeon will go in and insert spacers to prepare for reconstructive surgery that would happen at a later date. It sounded so easy, and I felt like WOW, I’m finally going to get that breast reduction I always wanted. Shawn blurted out “Yayyyyy, you’re gonna get new titties! Perky ones!” We chuckled quite a bit about that, and it felt like a silver lining in what was initially a nightmare.

Now it’s time for surgery. When I tell you I have never been so scared. But we prayed and let God do the rest. My surgery took well over seven hours, and I struggled in recovery with keeping anything down which delayed things even further. It felt like the longest day ever. I just wanted to see my family. To see my husband’s face and hold his hand. Finally, after hours of waiting, I got to see them and go home. Yes! I made it through. Praise God!

I had two c-sections so I’m no stranger to pain. This took me right back to that pain. My goodness, not only are you all stitched up, bound, and soar, when you finally take the bandages off, you have these new areas under your arms that are stitched together. George and I call them “cutlets.” I kinda hate them. They are not sexy. I thought to myself, there must be a better way to sew these things up. Yuck. Along with the cutlets, you get the temporary, even more un-sexy, drain tubes that we had to drain two times a day. My poor husband was so good. He worked so hard comforting me as I looked at my deformed body, he cooked, cleaned, chauffeured me around to all my appointments, rubbed my feet, made tea, you name it. We had a pretty strong bond before all this but now, we’re super solid. I love that man. #getyouaGeorgebutnotmine.

After the healing journey began, we finally got the call that we are CANCER-FREE! To GOD be the Glory! I didn’t know how to receive the news and was in a state of shock for about two seconds, then George and I began praising GOD! Repeatedly! And guess what?? My hair was finally growing back!

We got better with each day that passed. Focusing on tiny milestones and chugging along. I had been seeing my Plastic Surgeon for a few weeks and began the process of filling my spacers to ultimately prepare for implants. Then all of a sudden, I got a pain in my chest that literally took my breath away.

In an effort to be far less dramatic than the situation actually was, I’ll just say it was cellulitis (an infection) that eventually led to other complications with the spacers, and I ultimately requested the spacers be removed all together. It’s not worth it! Not for my life. And off we go to an emergency surgery. It was successful Praise God. So, guess what I did……….I went right back to Amazon. Found a few sets of boobs and I wear them proudly today!

So many other changes were happening with my body, hot flashes, nails falling off, my unbalanced figure and negative self-image, fainting and panic attacks, neuropathy, eczema (I’ve never had it before), textured skin, achy joints, you name it. We felt it all and I’m still experiencing some.

Step 3 – Radiation Treatment

After the adventures with surgery, we kept moving along to our five-week Radiation Therapy schedule. I didn’t know what to expect here just like every other stage but here we go! If you are not familiar with Radiation, I had to go everyday, Monday -Friday, for five weeks. EVERYDAY! But I will say, just like with chemotherapy, I met some of the nicest medical professionals to walk the planet. These people really take care of you and my hat goes off to the professionals that make these less than comfortable experiences bearable. The team and I became fast friends with our two-minute giggle session before each treatment. I was actually sad when it was over.

To break it down, the total session is about 15 minutes, that’s undressing, lying on a table with my arms raised and listening to blues while the red light zaps away. My skin gradually began to change close to the end of the five weeks but OMG. Once the last session was over, that’s when I began to feel the pain of splitting skin and burns for a few weeks while my skin began to heal. You can see in the picture below that a portion of my neck was burned too.

Regardless of it all, I’m in excellent spirits and we’re taking each day as it comes. I’m choosing to really enjoy what I enjoy and tuning out the other noise. So, I say all that to say this, God is Real, Find Gratitude in Each Day, Love like there is no tomorrow, and my Christmas Tree is going up this weekend.

Love you all and Until next time,

 -Kimberly

What Am I Going To Do About My Eyebrows?

 I know it’s been a while since my last blog post, but a lot has happened. I have a Senior in High School, a Sailor, and I’m healing from cancer.

Life has really been lifing to say the least. As I’m writing this, we have just celebrated my final round of chemo and I’m on a bit of a high! I know this is such a private and serious topic and I have contemplated sharing much of anything but if it can help or encourage anyone going through it and/or caring for those going through it then my work is done.

I’m a naturally busty woman and the twins have been a part of my life all my life. Those with breasts will understand all the episodes and scares of having cysts and other lumps that show up throughout life so like most, I was accustomed to getting them checked early and scared out of my mind at the process involved in determining whether its cancer or not. Time and time again, the outcome had always been benign which means no cancer. So even though the process is horrifying, I always hung on to the outcome being benign. Until October 2023. I went in for my routine mammogram in September and got a call/letter stating more imaging was needed. I was used to this by now but for some reason I felt a little different inside. I was fighting back tears the moment I went to the appointment. If you know me, you will know that I’m no stranger to tears. I am the softest person you will ever meet but I can be tough when I need to be. I got there and they performed a mammogram and ultrasound on the areas in question. I was sitting there searching the face of every technician, nurse and doctor looking for some sign of bad news. They gave me nothing. Not until the doctor came in to read the photos the ultrasound technician took. At that time, the doctor said let’s look at them again which is pretty standard, what changed everything was when she said, “ go up to the lymph node.”  For some reason, I knew it wasn’t good. After that, they cheerfully scheduled me for a biopsy the next day, (another indicator to me that it was urgent) and off to the races we went. The biopsy happened on a Friday and Tuesday, October 31st at lunchtime, I got the call that I had indeed had cancer.

Breaking the News to the People I love

When I tell you I wanted to fall on the floor, faint, scream oooh lawwwwddd (in my Bernie Mack voice). But instead of that, I wept quietly with my friend Lynn, told my boss what happened and left work. I called Hubby and could barely get the words out.  Let’s take a quick pause. Never in a million years did I think the hardest thing about this whole experience was telling the people I love and watching them try not to fall apart. Watching and hearing the helplessness in their voices. THAT was the hardest thing so far about this entire ordeal. We kept pretty quiet about it for a while because we had to break the news to our babies. Yes, they’re 21 and 17 but they are still our babies.

Before we shared the news with the boys, we needed to get all the information we could so the week of my son’s Naval Graduation, we met with the doctor and gathered all the pieces of this nightmare to string together with our threads of hope. As I sat waiting with my Hubby, my sister Donnica, and my best friend Shawn, the doctor told us to “Go to Chicago, enjoy your family and the graduation, its not aggressive, and when you get back, we will get to work.” I put my face in my hands and sobbed. I cried in disbelief. I cried about the unknown. I cried about my life. Then for some reason I felt a sense of peace and a message that came so loud to me that I had to write it down. The message was “sometimes God has to use you to show others what he can do.”   I later found a bible verse, Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus, this sums it up perfectly.

We took the scenic route to Chicago and witnessed one of the most breathtaking presentations celebrating hundreds of young people. One being my own. I smiled the entire time, and loved on my babies as much as I could before we would have to break their hearts. When we got back home from Chicago, I was met with a whirlwind of appointments, and it was getting hard to conceal what was about to happen, so we finally broke the news to our babies. Amazing enough, once I got past that mountain, I was ready to fight. They saw that and they were hopeful too. I made a joke when talking to my oldest (he was skeptical about whether we were telling him the whole truth) and said I’m going to be fine but I’m mostly concerned about what I’m going to do with my eyebrows!

The Fight Thus Far

Ok, I was diagnosed as Stage 2 and required 16 rounds of Chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and hormonal therapy. We have only just completed the 16 rounds of chemotherapy so let’s talk about that. The first four rounds were scheduled every two weeks because of how harsh the meds were. This was extremely tough, and I am a tough girl, but this experience put me on my a**. The immediate side effects were fatigue, extreme nausea, constipation, and other funny looking stuff that come out of your hind parts. Two days after each session (which fell on Saturdays) I was in bed from sun up to sun down. I only had energy to bathe and then returned to bed. The nausea (even with nausea combating meds) carried over several days and just when I began to feel like myself in that two-week period, it was time to do it all over again. I really enjoy homemaking, I cook, clean, bake, talk, make stuff and I couldn’t do any of that, so my sense of worth was dwindling. My boys were utterly amazing though. Hubby and Mother-in-Law cooked and checked on me around the clock. My family called and visited often and my AWESOME Work Family sponsored food for us for two months! My friends and family sent food,  gift boxes, letters, cards, drawings, books, journals, blankets, and anything they thought would make my life easier. My people are amazing. I was so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from all different directions. I cried a lot because not only was I now off birth control pills, I was also experiencing menopausal symptoms. Sheesh. My poor husband just wiped away the tears and told me I was beautiful. Often. Our holidays were celebrated in sickness and in health and we fought hard to keep our regular holiday traditions while battling this monster.

Then the hair loss happened. Another side effect I experienced was scalp sensitivity and hair loss. My scalp hurt so bad, and I would complain to George about it. Then the hair just came out in clumps. Every time I would pull at it, clumps would fall out. I grieved this part because I couldn’t find a wig that made me feel pretty. I wasn’t prepared. I felt exposed. There’s no hair to hide behind. So, I told George to just cut it off! THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST LIBERATING THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. I felt so relieved afterwards. Baldilocks was born!! We took to social media to post my first bald photo and there it was. Our secret was out. And there were hundreds celebrating my little peanut head with me. Support from soooo many people, high school friends, social media friends, friends of others and it was so overwhelming. So warming. I have a village that is very serious about me. I love you all. I posted as often as I could and still tried to carry out my life with as much normalcy as possible, all while pausing to go through the pains of chemotherapy.

We made it through the rough chemo cocktail finally and we were now moving into a milder form without nausea for me. Woooohooooo! I felt like a new woman! If you have ever had a hangover, and you finally feel better you want to do any and everything you can because you’re so happy just to feel better! This chemo lasted 12 weeks. The downside to this one, in my experience, are two side effects, 1. Dark Nails and 2. Neuropathy. Now I’m a girly girl so when my hands start looking like the Crypt Keeper, I was so sad. My hands turned extremely dark, and my nails began turning black. On top of that, neuropathy causes pain and numbness in the fingers and toes. I sometimes felt like a baby calf trying to walk in heels because of the awkward feeling. George often teased me with a nickname “Tender Tips” cause my fingers and toes hurt so bad. My hands are beginning to turn back but the nails are still questionable. We have reached the end of the first milestone and that is making it through 16 rounds of chemotherapy. We are off now to surgery discussion. So, stay tuned for part two!

The Message

I was skeptical about sharing but I really wanted to show up as human as possible and give a glimpse into my experience hoping it can help you or help you help someone else. 1. We are all fighting loud and sometimes silent battles so please be kind and have reasonable expectations of people, you never know how thin a thread they are hanging onto just to show up for themselves, let alone others. 2. Get your body checked, this is serious. Stop neglecting your health. Annual preventative appointments can save your life! 3. Get right with God. We don’t know how long we have on this earth.  4. Love unapologetically. Live unapologetically. Show your people how much you love them now instead of regretting it later.

Thank you for listening, until next time.

-K

Wednesday Nights

I know I know, it’s only January and already I’m talking about time-off and self-care. Adulting is a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still grateful but being grateful doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Since the middle of last year, I’ve been trying to adopt the mindset of not being ashamed to rest. Not feeling guilty about doing nothing. Saying no when I really don’t feel like it and you’d be surprised at how hard that is. If you ask Hubby, he’d say I’m really good at the No part. Well as a wife, mother, professional, and entrepreneur my mind is constantly running, making lists, people pleasing, and people disappointing. They all require the caretaker in me to work overtime and in a totally different way for each arena. Again, I’m extremely grateful because most of this I’ve asked for, so this isn’t a complaint post, it’s more of a balance post of which I seem to be needing a lot.

So, what’s the significance of Wednesday Nights? I’ll tell you. Wednesday is my work from home day each week. Although I’m still working, being at home allows me to get a head start on lots of things that would normally have to wait until after 5:30 p.m. This also creates the perfect start to a restful evening. Wednesday is not one of me and Hubby’s designated “date nights” and the kids are men now and pretty low maintenance. So, I’ve unofficially dubbed Wednesday as my DAY-OFF! I cook what I want to eat (meaning they gone get what I give them), I look at the crap I want to look at on youtube or tv, my appearance is definitely not pulled together, and I force myself not to feel bad about it. Depending on my energy level, this is the day when I go do my visiting or other dinner dates too. I kinda like it yall!

If you’ve been here for a while, you’ll know I have become quite the bath and body products lady (shameless plug www.thegracioushostess.com/shop). This has now become the perfect day for those long baths so I can play with all the products I’ve made. I’m even thinking about making weekly mocktails to join me in the bath on my Day-Off.

The moral of this post is to remember to not forget about you. The older we get the more weight on our shoulders, the more we’re responsible for and I’m sorry, I don’t want to wait until July every year before I can feel like a vacation. Take the time to really hear yourself and tend to your needs. Be sure to create that quiet bucket list of items that are special to only your well-being and make it a ritual to do something every chance you get. It can be as simple as getting that beauty product you’ve been eyeing from afar because it costs a bit more than you anticipated, or it can be as elaborate as that month long sabbatical you think is impossible to pull off. Either way, don’t forget about you.

Until next time,

-K

Soak up the Slow of the Season

Hello hello hello! Through all the holiday hustle I’ve managed to peek my head up and jot down a few words to close the year.  This year has had its share of highs and unexpected lows and here we are in a mad dash to prepare for the big day! Christmas!  I don’t know about you but this last month I’ve been the biggest slacker.  I had all these plans to entertain, send holiday cards, bake, and spread cheer.  And I have done nothing the way my Virgo brain planned. Pie crusts are still in the freezer and my glittered holiday cards are still on my desk. And I’m actually ok with that. 

Thank God for my sweet husband.  He is Father Christmas himself.  He is the sole “Cheer” Leader in the house this time of year. He even sends us all Christmas cards by mail even though we live with him.  I mean look, I’m fun but he runs circles around my Christmas cheer, and I let him.  This is totally his thing. For me, I’m over here practicing being present for myself and the people I’m around. Enjoying the good company before me instead of longing to be in other places. I wish I could do and be more for others but I’m only one person and I strive daily to make a small difference in someone’s life. And I’ve learned to actually be ok with that.

Gift giving this year has been hilarious, we all know what we’re getting and we’re already opening them early at my house. We took some extra days off from work to roll around in the joy of the season because for me the real gift is that I get to spend the time with my hubby and boys and other family and friends.  And I’m actually ok with that.

We’ve had some loss, some unions and lots of new babies in the family this year.  These things have moved us emotionally and mentally closer to others.  Hubby and I plan to keep the momentum next year and continue to reach out and love on the people we still have while cherishing the memory of the one’s no longer here in person.  In order to do that, we have to slow down a bit. And I’m ok with that.

So I guess there is something to being content and loving the normal ordinary stuff about life too. You never know when you will be jolted on 10 in one direction or another so please be sure you remember to soak up the slow of the season. Happy Holidays!

Until next time,

-K