It’s Breast Cancer Awareness month and I’m happy to be reporting. I’ve missed you all and I promise I’ll start sharing more than once a year. Of course, you know I have to honor the season with chronicles but this time we are calling it Survivor Chronicles because we are claiming it. Amen!
As I journey through the unknown, I’m always looking for ways to inspire and inform you, just in case you are experiencing the same, or going through something equally as difficult. Today we are chatting about what I call the physical and mental sides of survival. That includes the good with the not so good.
Physical Side of Survival
The not so positive side - My very last radiation treatment was October 4, 2024. I foolishly expected that once it was over I would be on the road to reclaiming my life and my confidence of days gone by. Well, what I didn’t expect is the new normal I spoke about in my last post to creep up and tap me on the shoulder so fast. Apparently, treatment is just as big a deal as the disease itself. You saw my pics on recovering from the radiation burns, but what you don’t see is how my bones ache every time I get up and move. I literally have to pause before I stand because quick movements cause dizziness. Remember all those beautiful heels I have, yep, now we’re looking for sensible shoes because walking in those heels with what feels like rickety bones is scary. So of course, that changes your wardrobe because your shoe choices are different, and that changes how you feel about your outfit, which changes how confident you feel about your look…… You see where I’m headed right? There is also medication I will take for five years that causes weight gain. Mannnnnn Whatttttt????? I already struggle with weight loss as it is and you’re saying I’m gonna get fluffier???? Plus, all the treatment catapulted me into early menopause and that comes with HOT FLASHES! Need I say more. There were other side effects from treatment that included a pesky dry cough from radiation, the need for physical therapy to gain my range of motion back on my upper right side of my body, and my nails are still hurting and falling off.
The positive side – You know I have to be a little dramatic first before I get into the real lesson. I’m still so grateful to be moving along one day at a time. Everything I mentioned is manageable, not comfortable, but it allows me to feel and be present. I’m witnessing myself getting stronger by the day. It helps to keep my mind moving in a way that is grateful for everything, big and small. It has forced me to begin to make better choices for myself, especially with food and movement, etc. because we cannot keep gaining weight, so now we have to create balance given I’m on those meds for five years. And with my bones feeling the way they do, movement is mandatory. Let’s talk about this HAIR!! Do you see how far she has come?! My goodness! I’m shocked every time I have to comb through it. The perfect coils I had to pray about because I only knew how to do relaxed hair. It’s all different. So different but still I’m so grateful.
Mental Side of Survival
The not so positive side – I still receive a shot each month so I go to the center and resume my funny chats with the nurses, but I am also face to face with other people’s cancer battles and can’t help but wonder what if it was me again. I quickly replace that intrusive thought with a But GOD!!! phrase and state that I don’t receive that. Then I see April in the lobby, a beautiful woman my family knows and I hug her. I then saw a Facebook post a couple weeks later that she had lost her battle. Gut punch. I see people’s cancer or survival journeys daily, especially since my social media algorithm knows I am a survivor. So many are going through or affected by this. Stay prayed up and scroll pass if your heart can’t handle it. Period. Along with this type of sad news, you are still navigating what to expect after your treatments have ended and those long-term side effects are still trickling in. On top of that, you’re still grieving the person you used to be. In my head I was always “That Girl!” now my head isn’t so clear, and I’m unsure about a lot of things. I question my looks, and my confidence sometimes need a jumpstart to get going. My mental capacity for the unnecessary has dwindled, my tolerance for certain things is at an all-time low, and guess what? I cry all the time.
The positive side – But there are soooo many great things that have come from this journey! I have a Type A, perfectionist personality and this experience has forced me to cut myself some slack, and to stop punishing myself for not meeting other people’s and my own unrealistic expectations. It has helped me forgive people in general and stop to consider others. Everyone is going through something and as children of God, why wouldn’t we? At the staff meeting in my head each morning, I high-five myself and report on the progress of each day and give myself a shout out for doing hard things. I’ve learned to say No more fluently…. watch… No, nein, non, nyet, nee, nej, nie, tidak, nei. I have also found myself talking with others about my experiences and helping them along the way on their journey. I have challenged myself to find the silver lining in EVERY rough patch. It’s all a lesson or a blessing. I’ve learned self-acceptance and to speak life into the new person I am versus constantly looking back at how fly I used to be in college. (Chuckle). I still love on my hubby, my boys, my family and my friends, but I have moved myself to the front of the line. I’m 49 and I deserve to pour into me first.
Overall, my message today is of transparency and hope. In whatever you may be facing, know that you can do hard things and live to tell the story. I’m still in excellent spirits and we’re still taking each day as it comes. God is Still Real, Still find Gratitude in Each Day, continue to Love like there is no tomorrow, and my Christmas Tree is going up November 1st.
Until next time,
-K